002. We all wanna believe in something...
Have you ever looked into someone's eyes and saw yourself reflected in them the way that they see you? To them you're almost perfect but with a minor adjustment here and a minor adjustment there that you'd be perfect in their eyes. What do you do when you're put in that position? When the one that you'd give your heart and your soul for tells you to do this to yourself, or that, all in the name of being perfect in their eyes. I'm not saying that he ever told me that I had to, that it'd make me perfect in his eyes, but he'd suggested it to me and that was enough. Even the tiniest of hints of something to improve on myself and I'd do it at the drop of a dime. I'm sure most of you won't understand this, or who he is right now, but I'm sure in due time you'll figure it out. There'll be some copy of it laid in front of you, or you'll find it somewhere online. It seems everything hits the internet within due time.

Still. There's something about when the person you long to have love you, to have only look at you and see you for everything you are and to know that they can't live without you, looks at you and tells you there's some minor altercation you can do to yourself, something they'd like to see. If you're like me, you don't hesitate to do it as soon as possible. "I think you'd look really great with some highlights," he said to me once, and the very next day there I was with highlights in my hair and there he was with the biggest smile on his face. He always loved my hair and the way that the highlights he'd suggested only brought out my features. The night that it came to an end? I sat there with a box of black hair dye and became that black haired pasty freak as I called myself for a bit. The party for the 3-D "Best of Both Worlds Concert Movie" I was that pasty little freak and I can remember the way his eyes avoided me. I can't say that it wasn't what I wanted because I'm sure if he'd have looked at me, the tears would've started all over again. I spent a month crying over him, over us, over my heart shattering into a million pieces.

There's something about loving someone, no matter how old or young you are. If there was a deep rooted feeling there, it hurts. We were nearly inseparable for the entire time we were together. He'd seen me through some of my highest points and some of my lowest points, even being the one to tear me out of a downward spiral depression when a close friend of mine in Tennessee died while we were on the BOWB tour and I wasn't there, thirteen and already her life was over. We had seen so much together, so much that I thought it would never be possible for us to be apart, but that wasn't the case. The biggest factor in our relationship was trying to hide it, and trying to lie to the world when people aren't as stupid as we'd sometimes like to believe. We started fighting more than anything and there just came a point where we had to. People and feelings change. That's not what this is about though, maybe another time. I got a little off track.

Sometimes without knowing it, when the one we love makes a suggestion to us, we never really think twice about it. At least not if it's some little suggestion on a small way to change our appearance. Maybe it's a little less eyeshadow, or maybe it's that we should wear our hair back more often. If they say it to us, even in a small little comment, we'll do it without thinking twice about it because it's something they like and it's something we can do. Sometimes we let ourselves loose track of that. We slowly start to shift and change into this perfect vision of what they want and we don't do the little things that we liked to do. That's what this is about. Being so in love that we change ourselves for the ones that we love and loose ourself in the process. This isn't to say that this happens with every relationship, or a good percentage of them even. Still though, there are those relationships that it does happen with and we don't stop to think twice about it. It's when that relationship ends that we open our eyes to everything that we'd done.

I dyed my hair black at the end of that relationship. I coined myself the black haired pasty freak and I didn't look like the girl he fell in love with. There was no traces of here there and I liked that. It gave me the time to, start all over, if you will. I lived with the black hair until it just didn't do it for me anymore, and by that time I'd find the girl that I was all over again. It was definitely something I needed and we all have those little things we do to find ourselves again. I don't think I'll ever go black again though, it wasn't something that I think suited me just right. It was too dark for the normal bright and cheery girl that I am inside, but with the breakup and my broken, mending heart? It was perfect.

Now though? I'm lucky to have one of the most amazing men in my life. I say one of them because my Daddy is pretty amazing, and so are Braison and Trace in their own rights. I can look into his beautiful brown eyes, and I don't see anything like what I've seen in previous relationships. He can take me first thing when I've rolled out of bed in the morning, hair a mess and breath that stinks and just that tiniest bit of drool caked onto the corner of my mouth if I've had a restless nights sleep and he'd tell me that I'm beautiful. He smiles that handsome little half smile that makes my heart melt and a little sigh to escape my lips and I know he'd take me no matter what I looked like. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and for once I've found someone who values what's on the inside more than what's on the outside. After all, isn't that what matters the most? You can be the prettiest girl to the rest of the world and you could be the ugliest person on the inside. I know that everything I've been put through, everything I'm forced to constantly deal with on a day to day basis makes me want to be a better person and treat people how they deserve to be treated because no one deserves to feel the slightest bit of what I have to. I love to see those around me smile more than anything and I'd go to great lengths to make everyone happy. He's the first person that's taken me for the broken little girl inside sometimes, the one that'll hold me as I cry because I can't take it and even as the tears are streaming down my face and my body's racked with sobs, will tell me that he's never seen anyone more beautiful than me.

It's something else, to look into the eyes of the one that holds your heart, and when you feel at your lowest, can make you feel like you're at your highest because no matter what you're perfect in their eyes just the way that you are. He'll never change me, he'll never want to because if he tried to I wouldn't be the one that he fell in love with and that? That is the greatest thing in the world knowing. I definitely did something right this time, and it goes beyond so much more than this for why I love him, why this relationship is different from all of the other ones, but with what's coming out I was just, inspired to write.