| there's nothing like a great pouting messican... here you go joe.. there's your shout out... |
[24 Sep 2008|02:21pm] |
Sometimes we're forced to go through things that we don't understand. Sometimes the outcome is a position one and the other times, it's... well it's an outcome that can go either way but it's one we don't quite understand. Like losing someone you're close to and not being able to be there to pay your final respects. How can that be anything good. It's hard and you're forced to find a way to say goodbye in your own manner. This probably isn't making any sense, and I guess it's not supposed to because nothing in my head makes sense anymore. This is something that I've come to accept though because my mind is more confusing than most people think and the amount of things that float up in here. I'm sure if I sat down and actually wrote a novel on my life, there'd be so many people mad at the things that I'd write in it. Thoughts and feelings and everything of the sort. I guess for now I'll stick to writing the things out in here. Of course, I can't promise that it won't be about the things it's always about. We write what we feel and when you try to keep some things private or out of people's thoughts, like my job and what exactly I'm doing right now, you're left with only certain things to talk about. It's all apart of getting over things, right?
There's so much going on in my head, in my life, things that I can't get a grip on. There are emotions that constantly conflict with one another inside of me that I feel like I'm going to go mad. The rumors, the rumors never cease to stop. Whether it's being about me being an ungrateful little bitch who's going out of her way to get fired from the job that'd given her the world. It's even worse when they try to drag Emily's name into it to say that we're feuding when not even a month ago almost, we were out shopping and having the time of our lives doing what girls do best. There really is nothing like retail therapy to make to very happy teenage girls, well, happy. When the rumors start though, it aggravates us, infuriates us. People who don't know anything and always assume make me out to be some bitch. Haven't they learned that assuming things only makes an ass out of them? I realize that my language isn't the best, and for that I apologize. Phone calls to my older brother never result in the best language after wards. Have you heard him speak? He likes to use the f-word more than you'd think, unless you've been to one of their shows. That's neither here nor there though. If it's not the work related rumors floating around then it's the rumors of the relationship type. No matter who I have out with I have to be dating them. It's hard to laugh things off time after time, but I guess in that respect I'm thankful to have a boyfriend who knows that no matter what the rumors may say, and the male friends that I may have, my heart will always lie with him. I know it's not easy trusting a person when they're linked to countless people and it seems to be someone new every week or so, but I'm that type of girl that will make friends with anyone, as long as you don't pry too much into my personal life and try to get me to talk about things that I don't want to let out. I've learned, and let me tell you that it hasn't been the easiest road, to keep my mouth shut on things. The girl with the biggest mouth, has learned to shut it. What an accomplishment, I know.
Once upon a time, aside from being the girl that had the hardest time keeping her mouth shut, I was the girl that couldn't survive on her own two feet. I know that it sounds bad, and I'm sure I sound like a nut case, and maybe once, maybe once upon a time I was. I had good things going on though, and I didn't want to let them go. Maybe I smothered them without knowing and that helped the rift be as big as it is. Who knows, but I know it was something I questioned for a while. When you find someone that seems to make the world better, you cling. You hold on for dear life and you pray. You pray "Dear Lord, please don't let him find someone better. Please don't let him ever want to leave me," and you cling. I won't lie and say that it wasn't me. I had to have him twenty-four seven, and there were times where we'd fight because I'd make a comment about not being important enough because he wasn't making an attempt to get out of what he had to do to spend time with me. Yes, I was that girl. That girl that had to have her way, who didn't take no to well. I still don't take it that well, but I'm learning. That's what life's about, living, loving, learning. We're constantly being taught lessons, things to take with us through our journey on this earth. There's always something new to figure out about ourselves, and heartaches on the horizon to help us grow. We can never know love until we have it and we lose it. To love and truly love, you sometimes have to go through pain that makes you feel like you're going to die inside at times. When those times come you recall moments that remind you of why you want to cling to that person, to keep them in your life. It doesn't always work out the way that we planned though.
I remember being sick, sicker than I'd ever been before. It was so bad that everyone was asking me if I was okay. As soon as I'd get off stage I'd feel so weak. Daddy told me I should go to the doctors, but I had a commitment. I was given an opportunity to give back to the fans and that's what I was going to do. It was still so early on in the tour. I remember one night being so sick and he came by to see me. No it wasn't daddy, but it was the only other person in the world that I felt comfortable being around when I felt like a piece of poo on the bottom of someone's shoe. It was sitting there on the bed, my hand resting in his when he mentioned a suggestion to me. It was easy and simple enough, and yet at the same time, I could feel my entire body freeze at that simple suggestion. I was afraid of what the future could hold if I did it. No, it wasn't anything bad and end the end, I was thankful for him, for that suggestion. "Maybe we should check your blood sugar, Miles," he said to me, those brown eyes showing so much concern for me. This all must've seemed so familiar to him. Could I be a diabetic? There was always the chance. You wouldn't expect something as simple as checking your blood sugar to scare you, but it scared me, it scared me because I was afraid of what that simple test could determine. My blood sugar was low. Lower than it should have been and that was why I was getting sick. We scheduled a checkup for me shortly after that so we could know for sure what was wrong with me. Hypoglycemic. No matter what my blood sugar was going to be low, and that isn't a good thing. Especially not with the way that I was eating so it meant changes. It meant having self control to change my habits, and the thing that got me through that? If Nick could do it, then I could too. After all, Hypoglycemia is a small thing when you compare it to Type 1 Diabetes, and if that wasn't bringing Nick down or hindering him following his dreams, why should this stop me? Of course, this means touring wasn't easy. I had to eat, and healthy, and a lot especially if I was going to be exercising it out on stage every night. It got to the point where one of my dancers would double as me for a little bit while on tour so I could get something to eat before ending Hannah's run for the night before beginning my own and it was usually during "We Got The Party" with the Jonas Brothers that the little break would come. It still feels hard when I'm running around without a break, like when I was in New York getting ready to drop Breakout. I live with it though, and even now when I feel like it's the biggest pain, I think of Nick and all that he goes through continually, and he's a living testament to if you want it bad enough, nothing can stop you.
Still, I'd take the sickness over the pain that I felt when I was told about my close friend passing away. There's nothing worse than hearing that someone you were close to and haven't gotten to see as much as you'd like being that you're in LA all the time, or you're on tour, has passed away from Cystic Fibrosis. I think the thing that got me the most was the fact that she was so young. I couldn't understand why God would want to take someone so young, so full of life from me, from her family, from those of us who loved her so much. She was the girl that would always make you smile, even when she was in so much pain. She never wanted you to know she was hurting. I looked forward to the phone calls from her, hearing her call me Smiley and ask how life was treating me. When she passed, I couldn't be there, I couldn't go to the funeral. I couldn't say my last respects and I couldn't give her Mom or her Dad a hug and tell them how I'd never forget her. I was stuck on tour and there was nothing I could do about it. I feel into a depression. I wouldn't smile and I was retreating further into myself. I wasn't helping myself and I sure wasn't helping anyone around me with the state of mind I was in and the attitude I constantly had. It took a friendly shake from Nick to open my eyes. "Miley Ray, snap out of it. You're not helping yourself, and you're sure not honoring her memory being like this." There were other words attached to it, mostly about my attitude and how I was pushing everyone away from me, even though if you asked me I was clinging to Nick more than ever, or so I thought. It was what it took though, to snap out of it. To stop looking at the negative and start looking at the positive. At least she wasn't hurting anymore, right? She was in a better place, a place where nothing could hurt her anymore and I know that one day, one day I'll get to see her again. Healthy and happy. Yes, I believe there's a Heaven, and I'm going to walk through those pearly white gates and see her once again and she'll still have that smile on her face that I always longed to see, and she's going to rush at me with wide open arms.
There was so much more than that, more than these two instances that made me love Nick. These though, are the things that stick out in my mind more than anything else, because he was there, he helped me. He loved me and he cared and that's something we all want. We all want to be loved, and we want to have someone care about us, someone to look out for us. We'd seen each other through some really high ups, and some really low lows. He was my rock, my foundation. He could make me smile when my world was falling apart and I guess that's why it's so hard to let go. Regardless of the end of the relationship, and I am fine with knowing it'll never happen again because I have an amazing boyfriend, I can't still help but want the boy in my life that's meant so much to me these past few years. They say first loves are the hardest to let go, and I can't say that it'd been an easy ride these past few months. Corbin's seen me gradually fall out of love with Nick, with all the things that I'd thought once upon a time that I wanted. As time wears on, things change. When the interview came out when I finally fessed up about Nicholas and I, he didn't worry about the things that were written in that article. You know why? That interview was done back in March, and so many people don't know that. How can you grieve, how can you let something go if you can't talk about it? Any therapist will tell you that part of getting over things, you have to talk about them, get them off your chest. Keeping things inside will only make you go crazy after a while. I've spent so much time being secret. I couldn't hold his hand out in public, I couldn't kiss his cheek out in public, although there were times on tour where I'd get adventurous and I would out on stage. I had friends and family that said they'd always listen but when I'd start to talk about what happened with Nick, how it was killing me, they'd change the subject. Mandy was great at it but she always had ways to get my mind off of it and made me smile. I never had a way to talk about it. To have that finality that came with it being over. When you always have to keep a secret and suddenly you don't have to anymore, it's... I don't even know how to explain it. Getting it all out there, telling the world that we were what we were helped me start to move on. If you look at that interview and put it now beside the Nylon interview, you can see that I've changed. I'm matured and I've grown, and that's what life's all about.
There's never just that one person you love in your lifetime, but there's one person that you can be in love with at any given moment. I believe this strongly. I am head over heels in love with my boyfriend, the one person that never judges me, and I'm sure I've hurt at some point with this update talking about things that hurt me. When I hurt, he hurts, and it's never easy to hear your girlfriend talk about her past, but we all have one. It's never the cleanest thing and sometimes there are ghosts in our past, demons if you will, that come back to haunt us and hurt us at any point in our lives. I don't hide what I'm feeling, especially not from him even if I do try to protect him. Lately, I've been hurting. I've been hurting because I want so desperately to be friends with someone who meant the world to me at one point. Maybe I'm trying too hard, but that's the way I've always been. I just don't think they grasp how much I feel like I need them in my life, and maybe when it boils down to it, I don't need them but rather that I want them. I don't know what the future will hold, or if they'll be apart of it. I'd like for them to be though. I'm the girl that doesn't like to let go of anyone though when it comes down to it. This might prove to be my downfall, but I really don't care. Friends fight, things sometimes come between them and they drift, but that's not to say that they can't find their way back together once again.
I don't know where the words are anymore, so I guess maybe this is a good enough time to stop. I have a boyfriend who's only going to be in town a few more days before he's whisked off overseas for a promotional tour for High School Musical 3, along with other people who are just as important to me. I'm a little sad that none of them will be able to make my party, but I know of a few people who'll be there, and they're people who've always got my back and not afraid to let me know that no matter what, I can't push them away. I'm looking at one in particular, because lord knows I've been a mean little bitch to him at points, mostly just joking but there he is, time after time still messaging me to say hello, to see how I'm doing, and I don't know what I'd do without his friendship. He's stuck by me, stood up for me, and really? There was no greater gesture than the one he gave me in front of all those people. Let people talk and say what they will, but he's a true friend and one that I'm thankful to have. One who hasn't let things that have happened in the past, or words that are spoken in the present affect the way that he views me because he's seen me, and he's watched me grow too, so for that, thank you. It's time to end this now tough, and spend time with someone who means the world to me, so that's what I fully intend to do. Corbin Bleu Reivers, I love you and I hope that you never forget that, and you never question it. You are my sanity these days and the glue that seems to hold my shambled word together.
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